someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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