I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
