sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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