She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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