I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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