hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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