she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
