He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
