I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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