I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Can you repeat that, but with context?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
