I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
