so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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