i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
soo... how was my night?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
