apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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