So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
