I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
the raccoons are back...
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