Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
