I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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