I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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