My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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