That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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