the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
