i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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