so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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