my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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