a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I am available for nakedness
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
