Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I could fuck to npr.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
