awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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