Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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