My Higher Power is John Stamos
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
