I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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