So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
