Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
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