the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
