I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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