im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
