I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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