So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
