I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Randomize
