What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
