Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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