Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
