Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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