I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
