I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
