dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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