It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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