today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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