This dress was meant to end up on your floor
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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