i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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